Request: Callie's Double Life
by lostinmyGAimagination
Summary: This story was based on the following request: "You should do Calzona fan fiction including Mark Sloan! Where Callie leads a double life, she's married to Arizona but sleeping with Mark."
1. Chapter 1

In Mark's apartment

"Good morning." Mark's sleepy, deep voice sounded as Callie was just starting to wake up. Her eyes opened slowly, then all at once. Mark rested his head in his hand and looked at her. She quickly rolled over to the side of her bed to check the time. 9:38.

"Oh, no. No, no, no!" She stumbled as she hurried herself out of bed and tried to find her clothes that were spread all over the room. Mark held his position, slightly disappointed seeing her leave so quickly.

"Why are you in such a hurry? I actually thought we could... You know? One more time?"

"It's almost 10 in the morning, Mark. I slept over... Again! I can't keep doing this, this is so wrong. I am a married woman now, and the longer I- I just- I'm sorry, it just doesn't feel right, you know?" As she hopped around the room trying to put on her socks – well, her left sock, really, because the other seemed to have disappeared – she rambled on for a while. Mark did not interrupt her at first, as he liked the sound of her voice so much that it did not matter what she was saying.

"Oh, come on, Callie," He said at last, "It's not that bad. You can just tell her." Callie stopped trying to find her blouse for a minute as she was genuinely surprised by his words and the smile on his face while he said them.

"Tell her? Tell her what?" She heightened her voice a little, ""Guess what, honey. That thing with Mark that I said is over now? Yeah that's still going on, and it's so great and I guess we'll just end everything now, where are the divorce papers?" Is that what I should tell her?"

"All right, calm down now." Mark's voice had surprisingly not become any less sleepy, or attractive for that matter. He patted on the empty side of the bed, hinting for her to join him and she did. He stroke her leg. "You should tell her you stayed over. It wouldn't be a big deal, alright. She knows you and I are close. You don't have to tell her we still have this thing together, though. Clearly, you're not ready for that. Actually, I don't think you ever will be. So if it helps you out, I will be the one to end this."

"You would do that for me?" Callie said softly, looking into his eyes.

"Sure I would." And as Mark said those words, it was as if a force pulled their heads toward one another and their lips collided again. It was a long, soft kiss. "Or... We could keep on not telling her for a while? Sound good?"

"Sounds great." Callie laughed as she kissed him again. She bites her lip looking at him. He wrapped his arm around her and laid her down under him.

"So, one more time?"

"One more time."

In Callie and Arizona's apartment

Callie walked into 502, she paused for a moment. It was late and she had not seen Arizona all day at work, except for this one time where they were both getting coffee and all they got to say to each other was "I'm so busy!" and they ended the conversation with a kiss. Callie hoped Arizona wouldn't be too mad she hasn't been around much today, but most of all that she wasn't getting suspicious. Finally, she walked in.

"Arizona? I'm home." She took a few steps into the living room until she saw Arizona lying on the couch, sleeping. Callie felt guitly about the fact that Arizona probably waited for her, on the couch, for so long that she fell asleep, yet also couldn't help but crack a smile. She looked so beautiful when she was asleep, Callie could look at that face forever. It was times like these that she felt guilty for not being there in the morning every now and then. Callie moved around the couch, grabbed a blanket, covered Arizona with it and sat down next to her. She stroke a blonde lock that was hanging over her eyes behind her ear. While doing so, she touched Arizona's cheek lightly. It felt electrifying, for some reason. As innocent a touch and motion it was, that's how big its effect on Callie was. Tears welled up in her eyes.

With Mark, sex was safe yet hot and exciting. With Arizona, sex was also safe, hot and exciting but there was something more to it, and Callie couldn't quite put her finger on it. Mark always knew exactly what to do and where to do it. You always knew sex with him would be perfect. But with Arizona... With Arizona you could hear her sweet chuckle and see her beautiful smile and hear her gorgeous voice. With Mark, it was about satisfying each other. With Arizona, it was about showing how much they loved each other. With Mark, it was sex; with Arizona, it was love-making. And that was the difference. Callie never knew for sure why she felt so guilty, but now she did. Many nights, she would have sex with her wife. And other nights, she would do the same with Mark. Except it meant less. She took the whole deed out of context and suddenly it's as if what she and Arizona did together the other night meant nothing to her anymore. The love she felt for Arizona couldn't be faked, not even with someone she loved as much as she loved Mark.

Callie leaned in and gave Arizona a kiss on her cheek. "I love you," she whispered. As she got up, she hit her shin against the table. "Ow!" she shouted as quietly as she could – or whispered as loudly as she could. It hurt, but it didn't hurt enough for her to cry. Yet, as if a dam just broke, tears started streaming down her face. Arizona seemed to have been awakened by the knock of Callie's bone against the wood. When she looked up, she saw her wife crying. She was awake quickly.

"Callie? Callie, what happened? Did you hurt yourself? Are you okay?" She wrapped her arms around Callie and felt immediate comfort herself, which was not necessarily the essential thing here. Callie's head was buried in her hands, her shoulders were shaking and the tears wouldn't stop flowing. But when Arizona's hand touched her shoulder the waterworks slowed down a little. She lifted her head and looked her wife in her eyes.

"I'm... Yeah. It's just that stupid little table," She said as she chuckled.

"That's all? It hurt that bad? Let me see... Or did you have a long day at work?" Arizona couldn't stand seeing Callie this way, especially if she didn't know why she felt so bad.

"Yeah, I'm... It's okay." Callie started taking slower breaths and calmed down. "I just," she started as she searched for her wife's hand with her own, "I really love you. So, so much. And you were just lying there so beautifully and I messed it up. I'm sorry, I love you, okay?" Arizona was quite surprised by the commitment and drama that was in Callie's voice but she could never get enough of hearing the words 'I love you' come out of her mouth, so without questioning any of it she replied "Alright, that's okay. You know I love you very much too, Calliope. I love you too." And she hugged Callie tighter, held her closer, and they fell asleep on the couch in that embrace.


	2. Chapter 2

At the hospital, the day after chapter 1

Walking down the hallway Callie rubbed her eyes, trying to be less tired from the surgery she had just performed. As she approached the dressing room she noticed Mark standing by the door, apparently waiting for her.

"Hey, you don't look as happy as you did yesterday. You look, well, tired. And sad." He stated. These words were uncalled for and on any other day she would've made a joke out of it, but today Callie ignored them. She wasn't in the mood.

"Thanks." Callie murmured. She passed Mark, walked into the dressing room and opened up her locker. While she searched for her shirt, Mark's hand appeared on the locker next to hers.

"Oh come on, you don't wanna go to an on-call room with me? Little cheering up?" He tried to sound seductive, but after last night Callie didn't fall for that anymore. Yes, he was still attractive. Yes, he was still a close friend. Yes, she still loved him. But never again would she sleep with him.

"Not today, Mark." Mark sighed at these words as he knew Callie wasn't just tired. Something was bothering her and it was most likely something personal; something that had to do with him.

"Alright, what happened?" He sat down on the bench and patted on the spot next to him. Callie sat down, grabbed his hand and played with his fingers.

"Okay. Well, you know I love you, right?" Callie started, staring at his hand, not once looking up into his eyes. Mark sighed.

"Oh no, here we go."

"Yeah, here we go... Mark, I love you. You're a great guy but like I said the other day... I am married now and this is so wrong on so many levels. Sex with you is great, you know that, but I love Arizona way too much to hurt her. I can't hurt her. She's amazing, you know. I have finally found what I have been looking for ever since I was a little girl. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I want to give her all my love, but I cannot do that as long as you're... We're... You know. I'm sorry, Mark, we have to be over now."

"That's alright, I'll do whatever you want, okay. We've talked about this. If either of us wants to stop, we stop. As long as we can still see each other?"

"Of course we can see each other. We just can't, you know, _see_ each other." Mark cracked a smile at those words.

"Alright then."

Callie stood up, changed her shirt and kissed Mark goodbye on his cheek.

"You're great."

"I know that."

She didn't look back as she walked toward the door. As she turned around the corner she stopped immediately. It felt as if her heart had sunk into her shoes. Her feet couldn't move, her mouth couldn't speak, her body seemed to be frozen. Her eyes looked straight into those of her wife.

How much had she heard? How much did she know?

After several painful, long seconds of silence Callie stammered "Arizona...", but there was no reaction. Instead, Arizona turned around and walked away. Her face said it all – she was furious, heartbroken, shocked – but Callie longed to hear her speak. This time a little louder, she repeated the name, but there was still no reply. She saw her wife walking down the hallway, still not being able to move herself. Callie wanted to run, she wanted to catch up to her wife, she wanted to talk to her, but instead she stood there. She stood there, and she didn't move. All that was moving were the tears that rolled down her cheeks. She felt defeated, humiliated, guilty and, like her wife, heartbroken.

"Callie," Mark said slowly, in a deep voice, "Callie," This time he walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her. "I am so deeply sorry." Callie held on to him, too, as she needed someone to hold her and keep her standing. The tears started falling faster and with greater numbers. Her head rested on Mark's shoulder, and his hands were in her hair.

For half an hour, they stood there, in silence. When Callie started to calm down, Mark moved away from her and looked into her eyes.

"Let's sit down for a minute." He guided her to the bench where they had just decided never to sleep together again, and helped her sit down. Suddenly, the look in Callie's eyes was no longer just sad. Instead, anger took over and she stood up again swiftly.

"This is all your fault!" She broke down, yelling at Mark. "You knew I was married! You knew this was so wrong, we had a deal! If either of us got into a serious relationship, we would quit this!"

Mark listened, didn't interrupt. He let her talk and while he knew she wasn't completely right – but not completely wrong, either – he stayed seated and just nodded. She was upset and had every right to rant for however long she wanted to right now.

"We would never cheat on anyone," Callie continued, "we would be just this... This... I don't know what we were, but it would never become something serious. And it wasn't, but it was serious enough to ruin my marriage! I hate this, I hate this, I hate this..." At those last words, Callie sat down again and started bawling again. Mark held her head, then let it rest against his shoulder like before. For another fifteen minutes, they just sat there and Callie calmed down again. This time, she moved away from Mark.

"Mark, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said all of that." Her face was red and wet from the tears.

"No, it's okay. I know you didn't mean every word of it. I mean, some of it was true," He chuckled. She chuckled with him for a second. "We should have stopped immediately. I should have stopped, that's true, too. But right now it's important to think about what you are going to do about this. Do you still want to make it work with her?"

"Of course I do. I love her so, so much... It would kill me if I lost her."

"Alright, so then I guess we think about that from now on. Besides, keeping this a secret for your whole life wouldn't have been the healthiest, either."

"I know."

"Wanna go to an on-call room?" Mark asked. Callie pushed him away.

"Mark!" She said, indignantly.

"Not for that, idiot. You should get some sleep. We should talk about this. Unless you don't want me there, that's alright, too." Callie sighed with relief. He didn't let her down, he was still there for her.

"No, it's okay. I want you there."

"Alright."

On-call room, the next morning

"Callie? Callie," Mark's sleepy voice interrupted Callie's restless movements on the bed above his. "Callie, I haven't been able to sleep for the past hours because you've been moving around so much. What's going on?"

"I have been calling her. And I'm nervous. I need to talk to her, Mark."

"Callie, I don't think that's the best idea. You should give her some time."

"If I don't call, it will look like I have given up on us. Which I haven't. I love her, and I want her to know that and I- I just really need to talk to her, okay?"

Mark tried to come up with an idea to stop her from being so anxious and, well, harassing her wife.

"Why don't you write her a letter?" He tried.

"Yeah... Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Maybe I'll try that, if she doesn't pick up the phone, at least." Callie was stressed out and needed to find some peace, but she couldn't. All she could think about was the possibility that their marriage couldn't be resolved and that made her freak out. Then, suddenly, she got a text.

"What'd she say?" Asked Mark, having heard the ringtone.

"She says she wants me to stop calling. And that she isn't ready to talk."

"Alright, ask her how long she thinks she needs to be ready." So Callie did. A minute later, she got a response.

"What'd she say?" Mark repeated himself.

"At least two weeks."

"Then you have two weeks to write her a letter."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author'snote: I just want to say that I hate the concept of Callie cheating on Arizona as much as 90% of you do. This story is a request, and I have written it for that reason. I'll have to see how long this story will become, but it's difficult for me to write because I keep thinking "Callie would never do this..." Thanks for the reviews, though. I appreciate your feedback on my writing. **

At Callie and Arizona's apartment, two weeks later

It had been two weeks since Arizona found out, but her legs still seemed incapable of moving her around. Every step she took cost tons of energy, but all she wanted was to get to bed and sleep. For a moment, just a little while, she wanted this whole situation not to be on her mind. For a moment, she didn't want to think about Callie and Mark in the bedroom with him holding on tight to her and- "Stop it, Arizona!" She thought. But she couldn't help herself. He with her was all she had been able to think of.

Callie hadn't been home ever since. They hadn't talked or been in the same room with just the two of them. Callie had called, multiple times, but stopped calling immediately after Arizona had texted her that she wasn't ready to talk yet. That conversation over text was the only one they had had.

As Arizona dragged herself into the apartment, her eyes noticed a bright white envelope that practically shone through the darkness of the room. Of course that was Callie's.

"Callie?" Arizona hoped not to get an answer, yet simultaneously she also vaguely hoped she would. She needed someone's shoulder to cry on and the best shoulder to cry on was always Callie's. With her, Arizona would feel safe and guarded. Nothing could harm her, nothing would embarrass her, nothing would feel out of place. At least, that's how it used to be. Now, she doesn't know if she'll ever feel that way again.

She did not get an answer.

"Callie?" She tried again, this time craving an answer even more. Still, no reply.

She gave up and walked towards the table. Her fingers touched the smooth envelope, following the letters Callie had used to address her wife. "To you. Please read this." Arizona hesitated, knowing that once she'd opened this, things would be getting serious. Things would need figuring out and solving and she would have to talk and think about all that had happened. And she wasn't sure if she wanted anything figured out or solved or talked and thought about. Maybe, this was for the better. Maybe, this was how things were supposed to end. Some kind of sign from the universe.

At last, she turned on a light and held on to the bright, white paper for a minute before opening it up. She hadn't even read one letter before the first tear hit the paper. Unfolding the paper and staring at the words without actually reading them felt quite soothing, so she held on to that feeling for another few minutes. Then she started reading. At the top of the page were several crossed out words, some of which "Dear Arizona", "Sweet Arizo-", "I am so sorry" and just "Dear". After that, Callie had just started writing.

 _"_ _I don't know how to start this letter, so I guess I'll just start it with an apology. I'm sorry. I am so, deeply, deeply sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for sleeping with Mark. I am sorry for not being able to have given you everything you ever wanted or needed. I am sorry for not living up to our vows._

 _You have to understand that I would never do such a thing with the purpose of hurting you. This was not something that was about you, our marriage or our love. This was about... Well, honestly, I don't know what this was about. It was stupid and unnecessary._

 _The other day, when you were asleep on the couch and I woke you up by hitting my shin against the table... That night I slept with Mark for the last time. I didn't cry because my shin hurt so much – in fact, I had already forgotten about that as soon as you started hugging me – but I cried because you were so sweet to me, and I had just realized I had made the biggest mistake I will ever make in my life._

 _When this whole thing with him started, I needed it because something in my life was missing and then, when I met you... Well, we weren't serious at first and I got very confused by the amount of feelings I had for you, so I didn't end it with Mark. Then, we got further and further into our relationship and our connection got stronger, so I quit sleeping with him. Yet, when we got into that really big fight a few months ago, remember? That's when it started again. That night I went over to his house and one thing led to another._

 _I am so sorry if you didn't want to know all that, but I think it's important that you hear my side of it. Not that I am trying to make what I did right again... I could never do that and I know that."_

Arizona started reading out loud, as the silence had been killing her.

 _"_ _I hope you don't think that because I did this it means I love you any less. Nobody will ever laugh as beautifully as you do, or have eyes that spoke more words than yours, or have a voice more lyrical than yours – even when we're fighting –, or be just the perfect amounts of smart, funny, sophisticated, beautiful, strong, vulnerable, determined, trustworthy, loving, sweet and honest like you are._

 _I will do anything to make it up to you or make this work again – unless you don't want me to. If that's the case, I will back off. But please remember this: I love you, always. The way you wake up and the way you wake me up; the way you love and how loveable you are; the way you speak and the way you listen;"_

As Arizona read the last few lines of the letter out loud, a voice behind her spoke with her.

 _"_ _the way you hold my hand and the way you kiss my lips. I will always love everything about you and I won't stop loving all those things._

 _I love you, Arizona Robbins. I still do and I always will._

Even though Arizona would recognize that soothing, beautiful voice out of a million others, she hesitated to turn around. She felt conflicted. She was mad, yes, but the letter she had just read... Most words couldn't be identified anymore because of the tears that had fallen on them.

"Callie..." Arizona sighed as she turned around. Her eyes spotted Callie's gorgeous, twinkeling deep brown eyes. Callie was about to cry, but held it back trying not to make the moment about her own sadness and pain. Arizona sighed again, this time deeply, and tried to keep looking Callie in the face. She wanted to see it, stroke it, take in every inch of it like she used to. She wanted to be so much closer to it than she was, but something - most likely her rationality - was keeping her away from it.

"Callie..." She said again, looking at the ground, "This letter contains words that I've... These are sentences that I have been waiting for my entire life to be told. These sentences, they just..." At this point her eyes drifted off to Callie's face again, which had more of a hopeful glare over it than before. Arizona broke down as she knew what she was about to say. "But these words... With the circumstances... Had you told me these last paragraphs months ago, truly, these tears would've come from happiness and gratitude. And love. I would've said these words back to you, every morning when you woke up. They would have been perfect." Callie swallowed, holding back even more tears as she realised where this was going. "But," Arizona continued, "in these circumstances, Calliope, I can't even sense the slightest feeling of love. It's just so- It's so difficult not to imagine the two of you when I read this. I am so sorry, Calliope, but I need more time. And I don't know how much longer. I might not ever be able to forget about this. I just... Sorry."

"Don't apologize," Callie whispered as she became incapable of holding back the tears. They started rolling down her face. "I'm the one to apologize, Arizona. I love you, and I should never have done this to you. I am so, so sorry. I will... I will leave you alone now."

Not knowing what to say, but also not feeling finished, Callie stood there for a few more seconds before turning around. She closed the door behind her and slowly walked out of the hallway.

Arizona's cheeks flooded with tears as the door closed and when the lock clicked, she broke down and fell to the ground. Having lied this badly to a woman she loved so much had broken her own heart, but she sweared she could hear her wife's break into thousands of pieces as well.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Sorry that it took so long for me to post a new chapter, I was on a vacation. Hope you enjoy... Please let me know!**

It had been several days since Arizona had told Callie to leave. It had been the same amount of days since Callie had slept. Without Arizona next to her it was difficult to find a reason to lie down in her bed, and when she did lie down, she found herself looking for an arm to rest on her side and stroke her hair. She never did find it. The bed had gone from a safe and warm home, to a place that made her feel lonely. It offered Callie merely painful memories instead of the comfort Arizona used to give to her. The last time Callie slept, which was three nights back, she woke up with once again the realisation that her wife – at least for now – was still gone and might never come back. This thought hurt so much – even physically – that she decided to leave the bed alone for a while. The only times she did sleep were when she sat on a chair and had gotten so tired from her sleep deprived nights that she gradually doze off, only to wake up immediately, because she never could stay asleep sitting up. She tried sleeping on the couch, but the memory of the night when they exchanged their first I-love-you's kept her up.

It was now early in the morning, time to leave home for Callie's shift. Irritated and sleep deprived she went to work. She had consciously done less work in the OR by herself, because she was aware of the fact that she couldn't possibly have someone's life in her hands being as exhausted as she was now. Instead, she had been helping patients with dislocated shoulders and other minor injuries. She had told Webber that she was distracted because of family circumstances. She didn't tell any of her colleagues about what had happened, and none of them had told her they knew about what was going on, but she was pretty sure they were all perfectly aware. Callie hadn't talked to Mark for a while now. He wanted to – she saw that – but whenever he looked at her from a distance asking with his eyes whether or not they should have a conversation, she shook her head lightly and turned around. He understood and accepted it. Callie felt alone like she hadn't in a very long time, perhaps ever.

The first person she saw when she walked through the hospital doors that morning was Arizona. Arizona was not the person nearest to her, but whenever she was in a room, she was always first one Callie noticed. Knowing that she shouldn't, yet unable not to do so, Callie paused her walk as her eyes lingered on for a while taking up the beauty of the blonde, ever so joyous woman. She didn't seem as happy as she usually does, but her glow was still there. Arizona noticed Callie now, too. Slightly ashamed, Callie looked away and then looked up again only to find Arizona was still looking at her, and, in fact, coming over. Callie got a little nervous.

"Callie, hey, good morning," she started off with one of those smiles everyone had been giving Callie lately which mostly meant 'sorry to have heard what happened to you. I mean, you did it yourself and it was stupid, but I don't want to make you more upset by ignoring you, so please accept this kind humane act of mine'. A second look she got was of complete disgust; a third of eyes asking the question of 'how could you do this to such an amazing woman?'. She frequently looked at herself with those last two visions.

"I was looking for you." Arizona continued.

"You… You were?" Knowing this wasn't a make-up-conversation by the look on Arizona's face, Callie wondered what she could possibly want.

"I, um," Arizona looked around if anyone could hear them. "I think we should take a break. Be away from one another for a while. If possible, see other people."

"Already?!" Callie nearly yelled. A few heads turned around. Arizona kept cool and waited until they turned back around again, then continued talking.

"I know. I know it's soon, but I really don't see us going anywhere right now. I don't see us going back and I don't see us going forward and I _really_ don't want us to stay where we are, so maybe we shouldn't be 'us' at all for a while." Arizona said this with pain in her heart, but simultaneously realised that she was right. There wasn't anywhere they could go from here. Callie, realising there was nothing to do against this proposition, sighed and agreed.

"Alright," she nodded, "but what if- What if we meet someone? Like, really a 'someone'?" She said 'we', but really meant 'you', knowing she was not nearly ready to see anyone else yet.

"I'm not ready yet to date," agreed Arizona, as if she just read Callie's mind, "and it will take a while. But once we are, we should go for it. And if _we_ can happen again, I am sure we will. If the universe wants us to be together, we will be. But right now…"

"You don't see it happening. Got it." Callie's tone was slightly annoyed. Her sleep deprivation had given her a temper. She tried to supress it, because she knew _she_ was the one who messed them up, but found great difficulty in doing so. "So… Do you want a divorce?" Neither of them moved for a while, or said anything, feeling the sudden emotion which the heavy question evoked.

"Yes." Was Arizona's short answer.

"Alright." Callie answered.

"I mean, it doesn't have to be right away, but-"

"Alright."

Hours later, at the end of her shift, Callie walked out of the locker room. Every time she did, she could see Arizona's face with tear-filled eyes as Callie's conversation with Mark had just ended almost three weeks ago. Walking to her car, she said goodnight to a few people and passed by Mark. She shook her head, again. She sat down in her car, started it and took a deep breath. The road appeared slightly blurred when she looked at it. She was exhausted. After a few seconds, because she really wanted to be home, she drove off anyway and tried extra hard to focus. It worked for a while, but then she almost dozed off and her hand slipped causing the car to make a sharp turn to the right, off the road.

Arizona said goodnight to her final patient that day and walked off. She had felt slightly distorted all day because of the conversation with Callie. She seemed off, but Arizona couldn't put her finger on what it was and why. Suddenly, Arizona noticed Webber hurriedly walking through the hallway, clearly looking for someone. He stopped when his eye caught Arizona. She turned around, being quite sure it couldn't be her he was looking for. But he called her name.

"Robbins, I've been looking for you." He rushed his way over. His eyes didn't exactly say 'good news', and Arizona's stomach cramped.

"What's wrong?" She stammered, trying to stay cool, but clearly sensing from his vibe that something was very wrong.

"Callie hit a tree with her car," he said in a cool yet clearly undone voice.

Arizona froze. She thought of everything and nothing at the same time. She asked the obvious question: "How bad is it?"

"It was quite a hit, but the odds are in her advantage. They took her up to the OR right away. They'll do everything they can, you know that." He paused. "I vaguely heard what happened – you know people talk – but you're still her wife, so I had to come to you first."

"Of course… Yes, of course, thank you. Do what you have to do…" She stared right in front of her at nothing, really. Webber walked off.

"Richard?" She asked suddenly, not having moved an inch. He stopped walking and turned around. "Do you think this was because of- Do you think it was on purpose?" Slightly shocked by the question he had already been expecting, he took a deep breath.

"Oh," he sighed, full of compassion and sadness, "This is not your fault, Robbins." He walked over to her and held her in his arms as she just stood there. She comforted her head on his chest to show she was okay with this gesture. "Don't feel guilty," he continued, "We'll find out more after. Let's just hope for the best now."


	5. Chapter 5

"How is she?" Arizona asked the nurse who had been looking after Callie for the past five days, since the accident.

"Given the circumstances, she's good. She's stable, so it's just a matter of time now." As the nurse continued her daily update, Arizona's eyes drifted off to further down the hallway; to Mark. He had stopped walking as soon as he noticed Arizona. The two of them had not talked at all since Arizona found out about the affair he had been having with her wife. She knew it was really the other way around – her wife had been having an affair with Mark – but it was too confronting and painful to think of it that way. Mark had just turned around and started to walk away – he would come back for Callie later – when he heard Arizona excuse herself to the nurse and call his name. He took a deep breath and turned back around to face her.

"Arizona." He said in a deep, slow voice.

"You've got some nerve showing up here after all that's happened." Her tone was sharp, the volume still low.

"I am just here to visit my friend." He claimed calmly.

"Your friend?" She raised her voice, "Your friend? I wouldn't think you'd treat your friends as badly as you have treated her."

"Excuse me?" Marks voice got louder now, too, "I was there for her when you weren't; when she couldn't talk to you, I was the one she would come to! I-"

"Ruined her marriage by sleeping with her!"

Silence fell over the hallway like a blanket. It was late, not many people were around. Mark looked up at that last line with surprise, and looked at Arizona with anger and pity.

"Listen, Arizona," his volume had gone down again, "nothing 'happened' here. It was done; it was chosen to be done. By me _and_ by her. Yes, I slept with her. But I never would have if she didn't want to. She slept with me, too. My friend is in a coma right now, and I am here to see her. Because it hurts me, too, that she is hurt. I understand and accept your denial, but it's about time you look at it from both sides and see the truth." He walked past Arizona, stood still for a few seconds to look at Callie and then moved on, out of Arizona's sight.

The words Arizona had just been told were the words she had been ignoring for so long. A single tear welled up in her eye, then rolled down over the contours of her face and hung onto her chin before it fell to the ground and landed right in front of her feet. She wanted to cry many more tears and let all of her feelings out, but she did not feel sad enough to do so. She mainly felt defeated and slightly guilty for putting so much of the blame on Mark. Her legs felt weak, so she walked over to the counter that stood in front of Callie's room and sat on it, looking at her wife. She looked at the dark brown hair that fell over her shoulders, the white hospital gown that made her look pale and her face that rested in a most neutral expression. Arizona missed seeing her bright smile and looking into her sparkly eyes. She didn't feel like getting up and going home only to enter an empty, lonely house, so she just sat there and looked.

One hour later

Arizona still sat on the counter and the longer she looked at Callie, the more memories came up. Some were happy – like their first kiss, or their first date, or when she looked at Callie walking down the aisle – and some were sad – like their break-ups, or their fights. But all of them made it more clear to Arizona that she didn't want to give up all they had. She wanted to fight for it, and she knew Callie did so too. It wouldn't be easy: Arizona was far from forgiving Callie – or Mark – and breaking down the trust issues would be a challenge, but it would be worth trying. Because if they could once again be like before, in any way, any fight would be worth it.

Arizona heard a cough. When she looked to her right, she saw Mark. She nodded at him, as if to say it's alright for him to join her. He stood next to her, leaned with his elbow on the counter. They looked at Callie for a while in silence.

"I treated her with respect." Mark noted after several minutes.

"I know." Arizona did not look at him.

"I was a good friend."

"I know."

"But I failed to treat you – the most important person in her life – with respect as well. I should not have done such a thing, definitely not behind your back. I should have told her to go talk to you, to sort out your problems together. I made big mistakes and did not show enough respect to you and your relationship and your marriage. And I am sorry for that."

Arizona now turned her head to face Mark and looked at him. He meant it. She nodded, then looked at her wife again.

"Thank you."

Both of them let the moment sink in, relieved by the apology that had finally found the right moment to be given. And accepted, for that matter. After another quiet couple of minutes, Mark broke the silence once again.

"Have you forgiven her yet?" He asked.

"No," was Arizona's short answer, "And I don't think I will anytime soon. I tried, I still try, but it's just... It's so hard. I trusted her, and now I feel like I can't." Mark nodded, trying to put himself in her shoes, trying to understand. Another silence later, Arizona continued.

"How many times?" Her voice was dry and calm.

"How many times what?"

"How many times did you... do it?"

"Arizona-"

"I'm serious, Mark. Maybe, when I know exactly what I'm dealing with here, what I'm supposed to get over, it will be easier. Please tell me. How many times did she cheat on me? Like, since we really were a thing?"

Mark sighed, didn't know what to do to change her mind, then stammered the answer: "Three." Arizona looked at him, as if to read the reliability off his face, seemed to trust him and moved on.

"Over the course of..."

"Five months. We didn't do anything the first years of your relationship." Arizona swallowed at the realization that this meant that their relationship hadn't been healthy for about half a year now; even before they had gotten married.

"But we got married... Three months ago..." She sighed and then moved on again, to the next question. "Can you please tell me why and when? About every time?"

"Arizona-"

"Please, Mark?"

"I just really don't think it's a good idea."

"Mark, I really need to know. I need all secrets to be off the table. All of the possible reasons, all of the mistakes I made – that we made – they just keep coming back to me and I can't help wondering if those caused her to do this. I need to get some certainty."

"Fine. But know that nothing that I'm about to say is meant as an excuse, to make up for it or whatever."

"Okay." Mark took a deep breath, Arizona looked straight ahead at her wife and did not move an inch while Mark talked.

"We stopped sleeping together when you two started to get serious. Looking back, we should have done that as soon as you two got involved at all. Then it started again when you two had that big fight five months ago, two months before you were getting married. I guess that night a lot of stress and fear about the wedding and what not caused her to be less rational. She was upset, we got drunk and I guess we took advantage of each other's situations." He stopped, tried to undermine the shame he felt and thought about the second time which he had tried not to think about for so long now. "Second time, you two had been married for about a month. We had performed an exhausting surgery together and it worked. We saved his life. We were thrilled, went over to my place, drank a little then, too, but not as much. We talked a lot, and somehow the conversation topic became the thing we had before you two were together and... and I guess all of the adrenaline got to us that day, one thing led to another and... it was stupid. All three times were stupid. And then the third time..." Mark was silent after he started the last sentence.

"The third time what?" Arizona asked with a broken voice, tears welling up in her eyes, able to feel her heart breaking slowly into more and more pieces.

"You know when the third time was. I just... I cannot think of the reason why we did it." At this point, Arizona could not hold back the tears anymore and they rolled over her cheeks.

"Will you please go?" She asked. Mark reacted immediately and left, saying nothing. Arizona sat there for the rest of the night, quietly, looking at her wife.


	6. Chapter 6

The next three days, Arizona had avoided Mark completely. His explanation had made her furious and caused her feelings to get conflicted. She wanted to take it all out on him, because he was the easy target here, but she knew that what he had said was true and that it wouldn't be fair. By acting out on him, she wouldn't solve the problems the affair had caused between Callie and her. She would still feel the anger, the shame, the pain that it had caused, and she would only get rid of half of it.

Arizona constantly struggled with the idea of forgiving Callie. Every now and then, she felt like she should. Then, she felt like it was impossible for her to do so. She wanted to be happy again with just the two of them, but she didn't know if she could ever get over it. It kept her awake at night, drove her insane at times and caused her to get frustrated by the littlest mistakes by herself or others.

Today was a day off, and since the weather was pleasant, she decided to look for a quiet place in the park and get some time to think everything over without also focusing on a patient's stats, or running through the hospital halls. After two hours, no decision had been made and her phone rang. 'Mark Sloan', caller ID stated. Arizona did not understand why he thought she'd want to talk to him, so she hung up. Less than a minute later, another call: 'Mark Sloan' it said, again. Arizona took a deep breath, then both confused and reluctantly picked it up.

"Hey, Mark?"

"Arizona, I know you want nothing to do with me right now, but Callie woke up. Just now. She's doing good. I thought you should know." Arizona swallowed, closed her eyes and sat still.

"Thank you." She whispered seconds later and hung up. Relief now joined the whirlpool of Arizona's emotions. She sat there, eyes closed, slowly breathing in and out for ten minutes before she decided she was ready to get up and go to the hospital.

30 minutes later

"I heard she woke up, that's good to hear." Hunt said as he passed by her. Another doctor congratulated her, said she always knew Callie would get out of her coma, as if she put a bet on it. Those who knew all smiled at her, as if she had just won a prize, or a medal. It couldn't be denied that this was good news, but to Arizona it was mostly a wake-up call regarding how little she had thought about the other possibility. The possibility that her wife wouldn't wake up, that she wouldn't be fine. She had thought about what to do when she woke up so much – and still hadn't been able to make a decision about that – that she didn't even consider the other option. She felt slightly sick thinking about it, and realized that their relationship was not the most important thing here. The life that could have been taken away was.

As she neared Callie's room, she saw Mark talking to the nurses. He noticed her now, too, and walked toward her.

"She's doing fine, they've done tests and-" He sounded excited and seemed to have forgotten why Arizona didn't like him all too much right now.

"If you don't mind, I'd rather talk to one of the nurses." She interrupted.

"Right... Of course. I'll go then." Both of them moved on in opposite directions.

"How is she?"

"Her brain function is good, doesn't look like there were any complications. She is still very weak, so she will have to exercise. Right now she needs some rest and she'll be here for a while to get stronger, but other than that she's doing great." Arizona smiled and thanked the nurse who took off. She was relieved, then felt a lump in her throat as she looked over at Callie. She quietly started sobbing and tried to catch her breath. Callie was too busy with the doctors around her to notice Arizona, too, and before she could, Arizona had walked around the corner to find a seat and get some space.

2 hours later

Most of the people who had come by to see Callie had left, and the room was quiet and empty again. Callie was tired, but when she saw Arizona walk into the doorway, she felt her heart beating a little faster.

"I didn't think I'd see you here so soon." Callie stammered.

"What? Why not?"

"I thought you hated me."

"I don't hate _you_ , Callie. I hate what you did and I'm angry at you, but I couldn't hate you." Callie smiled lightly, seeing in Arizona's eyes that she hadn't forgiven her yet. Of course she hadn't, how could she possibly have so soon. Arizona walked into the room, found a chair and put it next to Callie's bed. "You're, uh, you're doing good, I heard." She said, smiling at Callie.

"Yeah," She said with a smile, "I heard so, too. Doesn't feel great to me, but I guess they have to be right, huh." Not knowing what to say, they kept quiet. Finally, Arizona broke the silence with the question she had been thinking about all week.

"I don't know if I should ask this, or if this is the right time at all, but it got me worried, so, I just have to know... It wasn't on purpose, was it? The crash?" Callie was shocked by the question.

"What? No! No, absolutely not. I can't remember much of it, but that I know." Arizona felt a slight weight dropping off her shoulders.

"Okay, thank God. Good, that's... good, I guess." She looked into Callie's eyes. They were still magical, even in a hospital bed and with the cut above it. "I should, uh, I should go." Callie noticed the pity in Arizona's eyes and as she saw her stand up and walk away, she stopped her.

"Arizona?" She turned around, "I can see you feel sorry for me, I can see it in your eyes. But I mean it when I say that feeling sorry for me shouldn't be your reason to get us going again, you know? You have to feel like we actually can... like we should... like you can trust me again... like you can look me in the eyes and not feel some sort of anger. You have to be able to love me, without also hating me. Otherwise, we shouldn't bother trying, because it... because _we_ won't work. I would feel guilty, you'd be angry. Nothing would be as it was. So think about it, okay, and don't change your mind because you feel sorry for me." She had some trouble bringing the words convincingly, considering how tired she was and how saddening it was to say them out loud. Arizona looked at her and nodded.

"I will... Think about it, I mean." And she turned around and walked off, on her way to an empty, lonely home.

The next evening

Arizona hadn't had much sleep. Callie's words still ran through her head and kept her up until she had made a decision. And even then, once she knew _what_ she was going to tell Callie, she didn't know _how_ she would tell her. All of her thoughts of the last few weeks had come together and put themselves in order. Arizona had lost most of the weight resting on her shoulders, and felt relieved. As she changed to get ready for her nightshift, she walked by Callie. The room was filled with flowers and quite dark, except for a blue light in the corner. Callie lay in her bed, the nurse had just checked in on her and left the room. Arizona didn't walk further into the room than one step from the doorway and said nothing, just looked. Callie was so stunning, even after a car accident, it actually threw her off for a minute. But she remembered. She knew what she had to say. And she did.

"You were right, you know, yesterday. I don't think I can do it..." She paused. "I talked to Mark, the other day, and I asked him to tell me about the times you slept together."

"What? Why?" Callie was surprised and didn't understand why anyone would want to hear the details about their partner's affair. She felt incredibly embarrassed by the fact that her wife had this information and felt the blood rising to her cheeks.

"I wanted- I had to know why and when. I wanted to know what I was supposed to get over for us to get back together. I just- I don't know, I thought it would help. And I don't know what I expected, Callie, honestly. I just thought that maybe I would understand your reasons, as if there is something that would make it totally okay. Maybe I would get it, you know? But I... It has made me so angry, Callie. But now at least I know that there wasn't anything _I_ could have done to have prevented it. I know that now.  
I don't think we should become what we were again, ever. It wasn't healthy, apparently, or not healthy enough anyway. And if we do want to be something again, I don't think I am the one who should change. I shouldn't put my faith in you, you should give me a reason to have that faith. And I don't think I can just jump into a relationship with you again, just to get my heart broken... Again. I'm sorry, Calliope."

It took a while for Callie to let the words sink in, but finally she stammered "Don't be, don't apologize... I'm the one who messed this up." and watched Arizona walk out the doors.

 **Author's note: I take suggestions for my stories. If you have any idea how this fanfic should continue (a time jump, Callie and Arizona getting back together, the two of them struggling being friends or anything else) please leave it in the comments and I might take your storyline into account and write about it.**


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